Cocooning & Attachment

Adoption is wonderful! Adoption is beautiful. Adoption is something God thought up. Adoption is different...

I want to blog a little about that last part. About how adotion is different. Especially at the beginning, and especially for family and friends - because to a certain degree we as adoptive parents need to be pro-active at attaching and initiating attachement with our new daughter.

A well know author Dr. Karyn Puris has published a lot of great material about attachement, especially relating to adoption and foster care. She put together this quick booklet for Focus on the Family which describes attachment way better than I could ever. See link here: Attachement in Adoption.

That pamplet describes attachement as:

attachment can be defined as an inborn system in the brain that influences and organizes motivational, emotional and memory processes with respect to significant care-giving figures. It’s the ability to connect with other human beings. The functionality of this system is dependent upon a child’s “affective attunement” to the parent and the establishment of a secure emotional base. Without this base, the development of normal behavior patterns is short-circuited, and a child’s ability to relate to others in normal, healthy ways is hindered.

It also describes that there are 4 stages of infant attachment. This is an excerpt:

The most critical age for attachment is reached at about 7 months, and the period from 6 to 12 months represents a delicate window within which a child’s ability to form healthy connections can be curtailed if conditions for its growth are less than ideal. (Note: A child who is moved into a new situation can form positive attachments if the change takes place by seven to eight months of age. If the shift happens later, the parent will need to be more attentive to attachment issues in order to avoid later attachment problems.)

Our little Vivi will have been through so much in her short life by the time that we become a family that she may need some time to heal from the trauma of her past. We can help her to heal by praying for her and by meeting all her needs the very best way that we can. And one way we can do this is by cocooning. This is not typically done by families I know who had children biologically. Especilly not with a 2 year old. This will seem different and odd to many of you reading.

When we first meet she will be around age 2. Cocooning can help hurry up the attachement process for her to become attached to us as mommy and daddy. Every single thing in her world will change. New people. New home. New smells. New language. New doctors. New culture. New sleep schedule. Jet lag. Culture change. Even for an adult that is a lot to take in. For a baby its overwhelming. By cocooning we will be having lots of mommy and daddy time so that she will learn to trust us and to know that we are here to stay. Cocooning also means hubby and I will be her sole care providers. We will be her comforters, we will feed her and bath her. We will be there for her for her every need. We will be baby-wearing her as often as we can so that she has a lot of physical touch and will be close to our heartbeats and smells and voice. Its similar to the way you care for a newborn because we are starting from the beggining. 

We don't know how long we will keep up the cocooning. But we do know that we will keep up the intentional attachment actions because even if Vivi attaches to us very quickly (which is what we are praying for) a true attachment often takes as long together as you have been apart so for us 2 years. But what we do know is that we want her to learn how to be a girl who can trust, who is able to be loved and to love back. And all the effort we will be putting in during this period of cocooning will be worth it.

What we ask of you, our family and friends:

-pray pray pray pray. Pray for our little one's heart to be prepared to meet us. Pray for us as our new family learns, well, how to be a family!
-Please don't try to pick her up until we give you the go-ahead.
-Please let us be the ones to feed her. This helps her learn that mommy and daddy are the ones who take care of her. Its easy for a child from an orphanage to get confused, so by ensuring that we are her caretakers this takes away any chance of confusion.
-Please don't take it personally if we don't visit much in the begining, or if we only stay short amounts of time at gatherings. Our home is the best place for her while she learns what a home is.

I know this will be hard for a lot of you. It may seem like we are 'hogging' her or keeping her from you to be mean. But we do this 100% for her well being.  And we will play things by ear. We are very hopeful that this will be a few months because we are confident that God is already preparing her to meet us. But we wanted to give everyone the heads up now, so that it does not come as a shock when we come home because we know how excited everyone is for us. We will communicate when the time comes that we will be less strict with these actitivies. We feel so incredibly blessed that everyone is so excited, we truly do love hearing about how you all wish we could travel tomorrow because you all want to meet her. It warms my heart!

Gratitude

November is such a special month. Firstly it is my birthday month! Secondly it is National Adoption/Orphan month which I love supporting! And thirdly its my sisters birthday as well which I love celebrating and remembering taking her home when she was just turning 1 years old. And last but not least, I recently learned that November is Gratitude month! Many of my facebook friends have been spending time daily declaring things in their life they are grateful for. I will be doing that in this post as one giant gratitude month post! 30 things I am grateful for the 30 days in November. Although it might be hard to stop at 30 since I am super extra thankful these days : )

(not in any particular order)
30 Days of Gratitude

1. I am thankful that I now have a sweet face of a darling 1 year old to call my daughter. I am thankful that she is happy and loved and healthy. I am thankful that soon she will know we are to be her mama and baba (baba is what Chinese children call their dada!).
2. I am thankful for my wonderful husband. He is so loving and has such a big heart. He is always willing to help anyone who asks and even those who don’t ask. He is incredibly generous with his time and talents. It melts my heart into a puddle on the floor when he tells me how much he loves Vivi and how beautiful he thinks she is. He always see’s the good. He never worries. He loves God and has a faith that I believe will move mountains one day. I am so blessed to have him.
3. I am thankful for my mom. She truly is my rock, and my best supporter. Without her this adoption would not have been possible right now. She taught me to love, to work hard, not to ever quit, to trust God, to stand up for myself, to be a ‘squeaky wheel’ when it’s important that something gets done, how to be an awesome mother, how to have fun and adventure, how to shop, how to cook, how to work through problems, how to travel safely. I could go on and on and on. Thank you mom for being you!
4. I am thankful for my aunt(s). One in particular is really truly my second mother. We are kindred spirits and she has held me up so many times while I am feeling down that I can’t even count them. She is how I have gotten through many hard days when sobbing on her shoulder was the only thing I could manage in those moments. Aunts are a gift from God.  
5. I am thankful for our nice new home. It has been just over a year since we moved in and I just love it! Hubby let me decorate it however I liked (another reason why I love him so dearly!) and it just feels like home! Vivi’s room is almost all set up and it is just perfect. I can’t wait to raise her in this home I can picture it now. Lots of room on the deck for playtime next summer. A quite nook in the loft for story time. A cozy room in the basement for watching movies. A nice big island for baking cookies together. Nice big windows for lots of natural light for taking precious photos of her. It is going to be wonderful I just know it.
6. I am thankful for the internet. Anyone who knows me will understand why this made the list. I love to be well informed. And it’s easy to research any subject you could possibly imagine with the internet. Also I have formed many friendships over internet forums, facebook groups, infertility support groups. I have virtually met so many adoptive parents through internet groups. I was able to get new photos of our daughter strictly using the internet. I have online chatted with parents of other kids who lived at Vivi’s orphanage. Connecting in this way not only makes the waiting feel shorter. But I know it will be an invaluable resource when we come. And keeping in touch will be great for when she grows up and wants to connect with other adopt-ees. I can’t leave out online shopping!!
7. I am thankful to be a Canadian. I am thankful for the freedom that living here in this wonderful country gives me. I am thankful that living here allows me the opportunity to be a Christian and to go to church, to read my Bible, and become part of a church community.
8. I am thankful for health care. I am thankful that when I am sick I am able to see a doctor quickly and able to get the required medication. I am thankful that when Vivi comes home she can see a whole TEAM of qualified doctors who form an entire group of doctors who specialize in international adoption issues and surgeries and treatments. I am thankful that they were able to talk to me about the surgeries Vivi will face after coming home, and the support that we will get should she need speech therapy.
9. I am thankful for friendship. New friends and old friends I am thankful to them all. From meeting for coffee, to skating on the canal, to texting at midnight, to sharing photos and stories and experiences, and hope and fears. My girlfriends have been there for me and I love them and am so grateful to have great friends in my life.
10. I am thankful for my job. Without my employment I would not be where I am financially. I have a great boss and work with a great team of co-workers. I have flexibility and support.
11. I am thankful for my in-laws. They are the kindest, sweetest couple. I am so glad have them as my second set of parents. I am so glad that they brought hubby up to be the man that he is today. I am thankful that they are just excited as we are to bring Vivi home! She is lucky to be able to call them her grandparents!
12. I am thankful for the gifts and talents that God has given me. I am glad to be able to have photography skills, organization skills, bookkeeping and accounting skills. I am thankful that he made me a detail oriented person! Our agency said I had the best organized dossier they had ever seen! I can’t wait to photograph my daughter and her birth country, the place she spent the first two years of her life.
13. I am thankful to the women who gave life to a little girl on the other side of the world who I will soon have the privilege to call my daughter. I recently saw this quote somewhere on the internet and it sums up how I feel. "A child born to another woman calls me Mom. The depth of the tragedy and magnitude of the privilege are not lost on me" -Jody Landers
14. I am thankful for sisters! I have 4 of them and treasure each and every one of them. None of them share my DNA but I love each of them for their own uniqueness’s and I am blessed to be able to call them Vivi’s aunties to be! They are all thoughtful and kind, and they all have their own passions in life which I love to hear about. Sisters are the best!
15. I am thankful for prayer. Prayer changes things, this I am sure about. Prayer has brought us to this point. Prayer can heal our hearts. Prayer is why I feel close to God, and how my relationship with Him has grown over the years. Prayer is what gives me hope on a daily basis.
16. I am thankful to every individual who has cared for Vivi during this time when we cannot be with her. The nannies who fed her, played with her, hugged her, cleaned her. It’s not easy feeding a baby with a cleft lip and cleft palate and they made sure that she got enough food. The doctors who made sure she was healthy and received all the required immunizations. The surgeon who repaired her cleft lip so wonderfully. The nurses who kept the healing of her lip clean and it has healed wonderfully. The orphanage director who prepared her file to be available for adoption. The foster family who is now taking care of her. I can’t type this without shedding a few tears, because I am so thankful to them for caring for her in a way that ensures she knows what love is because beyond everything else already mentioned love is incredibly powerful to ensure a child grows up and develops properly. It will not be easy for them to let her go, and I am eternally grateful to them for doing such a great job.
17. I am thankful for our adoption agency. They are the ones who helped us to do all our paperwork on time. They matched us to Vivi. They will help us plan our travel. They have connected us with other families here in Ottawa who are adopting. I value their work so highly.
18. I am thankful to God. For all that he has done. For the sacrifice of Jesus for my sins. For the Holy Spirit to help me to hear God’s plan for my life. I am thankful that He has adopted me into His family. I am thankful that He chose me to become and adoptive parent to experience the joy of parenting one of his children.
19. I am thankful for my puppy dog. She truly is a bright light in my life. My first ‘child’. So soft and cuddly. Like a live stuffed animal, P-dog always always makes me smile. She was born on our wedding day and came to live with us 8 weeks later and has been with us through it all. She makes every day life feel special with her cute little wagging tail and the sparkle in her eye. Her ‘diva’ puff hairdo always makes me laugh as it blows in the wind. Getting through bad days is less hard when she is around as she gives the best hugs and kisses!
20. I am thankful for Half the Sky Foundation that runs several different programs within many orphanages in China, one of which is Vivi’s orphanage. They not only train the nannies and caretakers on how to reverse the effects of institutionalism but they deeply care for the kids and hold preschool classes to help little ones develop properly. I am thankful I was able to donate to them as a Canadian registered charity to help out all the orphans living in Vivi’s orphanage.
21. I am thankful for the opportunity I have had in life to travel. I have seen and experienced a variety of cultures around the world. I am so glad that I have already been to China once and that I have the opportunity to go back. I love going to the Caribbean to relax. And to Virginia Beach to have family vacations. And to provincial parks to have campfires. I’ve seen the Great Wall. I’ve seen a volcano in St. Lucia. I’ve seen amazing waterfalls in Ontario. I’ve seen so much beautiful nature. I am blessed!
22. With Christmas coming up I am thankful for food. For yummy turkey and stuffing. For homemade applesauce. Especially the pink kind. I’m thankful for time spent with family making special treasured cookies. I can’t wait to have big family dinners all throughout the holidays, celebrating the birth of Jesus and thanking Him for all we have.
23. I am thankful for for iPhones. I hate being without mine. It keeps me connected at all times. I never miss an important phone call, or a silly photo text. It helps me to gain access to information that will help me be a better mother, wife, Christian and friend. And when in China we will be able to use it to Facetime with family and friends back home! I know that because of my phone and the internet my homesickness will be less bad than last time.
24. I am thankful that this Christmas will be my last Christmas as a not-quite-yet-mother. And that next Christmas I will be able to see the joy of Christmas through the eyes of a cutie toddler.
25. I am thankful that adoptive parents are allowed to take 9 months of parental leave to spend with their newly adopted child to promote attachment and bonding. I can’t wait to spend those 9 months getting to know her and showing her our world. Going to the beach. Teaching her how to swim. Going down the river on our boat. Spending time with the other adoptive moms that I have met who will also be on leave.
26. I am thankful that I will have the privilege of seeing hubby become a father. I know he will excel at it and already the way he speaks about her makes me love him even more than I did before.
27. I am thankful that today hubby and I celebrate 10 years together. 10 years ago today we decided to become a couple, and we celebrated by going out to dinner on a big date. We have been married for 6 of those 10 years and I am thankful that God put us together!
28. I am thankful that my mom bought a wonderful cottage on the beach that we all spend time together at as a family. So many fun memories have already been made and I am sure there is more to come.
29. I am thankful for music. Have you ever noticed how music can change your mood instantly. It works for me every time. I love signing and wish I was blessed with a better voice but I sign regardless! I especially love Christmas music and its pretty much non stop Christmas from here on out!
30. I am thankful to be me. God didn't make me perfect, but I have a pretty amazing life, and I am thankful that He has given me a special purpose in life even if I'm not 100% sure what that is yet!